Jokes

incurably fuuny


patient- please doctor help me. i have been stung by a bee.

doctor- dont worry . i will put some cream on it.

pat..-you will never find the bee. it must be miles away by now.

doc..- no no please understand. i will put some cream on the place u were stung.

pat..-oh! it happened in the garden where i was sitting under a tree.

doc..- u #$%&! i mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.

pat..- it stung me on my finger.

doc..- which one?

pat..-how am i to know? all the bees look the same to me



Famous Quotes

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids,"As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. O.K.,
Who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."

Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"


drunk and a nun


There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.


As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.


Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.


This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.


By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

clever child

Two little babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???


New Husband

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex."

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex."

So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"

She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Perfect Husband

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.


Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.


The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".


The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".


As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".


The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."


wife or mistress?


An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduringrelationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said: "I likeboth."

"Both?" The other two asked

The accountant replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and amistress they will each assume you are spending time with the otherwoman,

and you can go to the office and get some work done."

rusty baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.


'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'


'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'

The man seemed a bit ashamed.


'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'


Who Am I ?

One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.


"Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the man comments.

Billy in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples over for our annivesary bash and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."


The guy thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Billy continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."


The guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that."

Billy responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."